Here are 24 ways to ensure that you have a woke, litty, milly-rocky Christmas. Please feel free to copy and paste this article for your own publications, sis:
1. Make sure to season your turkey. Nothing screams socially unconscious like a bland bird. Maybe try some jerk seasoning, and if you don’t have that, Heinz BBQ sauce will do!
2. Don’t watch
It’s A Wonderful Life, that’s problematic. Try Tyler Perry’s
A Madea’s Christmas instead, he’s black, he must be woke?
3. If Tyler Perry isn’t readily available, just watch
Get Out – apparently it’s a comedy, a romance and a Christmas film
4. Listen to Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas” on repeat and make sure you mutter at least five ironic remarks into the mason jar you’ll no doubt be drinking from
5. Dab at the end of every hymn just so that Jesus knows you’re down with the kids
6. If you’re feeling cheeky, why not just throw the n-word into “Hark the herald angels sing”? I mean, if Jay-Z can say it…
7. When the food is on the table, ask your mum where the Jollof is because that’s what all your black friends are eating
8. Cook rice and peas for your friends and family for a traditional Jamaican Christmas, using Marco Pierre White’s
recipe
9. Instead of wrapping paper, use grime album covers – it’s cost efficient AND proves that you’ve got your ear to the ground
10. If your aunty gets you a Jack Wills jumper again kmt (kiss my teeth) make sure she keeps the receipt so you can exchange it for Adidas
11. Make sure you stand in the shadow of the Christmas tree so whenever someone says something contentious, you can say “OOH SHADE”. Ha ha. Clever
12. If you run out of pigs in blankets, call your mum ‘Felicia’ to signal your displeasure
13. Instead of saying grace, just say ‘lit’ 53 times
14. Tell everyone at the dinner table about your New Year’s Resolution to become a better ally. Make sure you cry as you think about the injustices in the world
15. Give mince pies a miss, bit too spicy
16. While you’re at it, give mulled wine a miss too. Those spices are a bit too #vibes for the tastebuds
17. Use leftover gravy to stick down your edges because that’s what the black girls seem to be doing
18. Instead of watching the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special, complain because we all know the black one off X Factor should have won this year. Leona Lewis?
19. When the rest of your family decide they want to play board games, tell them you want to play devil’s advocate instead
20. If someone says ‘Christmas’, correct them with ‘Er, don’t you mean Kwanzaa mate?’
21. Over cookies and milk, have a chat with Santa about how Meghan and Harry’s engagement really is the marker for a post-racial society
22. Make sure to complain about your problematic relatives on Twitter – or, even better, report their discriminatory remarks back to your PoC friends in great detail. No need to actually intervene
23. Don’t watch the Queen’s Speech. As Stormzy would say, she’s a pagan/paigon (we aren’t quite sure of the spelling). Put on the late, great Dr. Martin Luther King Jr’s
I Have a Dream and reflect on your shortcomings as a white person instead. This day isn’t about us! Remember?!
24. If your family has a painting of white Jesus: burn it, burn it to the ground. Everyone knows he was black
