Funny Nelson's Navy in Today's Britain.


Mi Lieutenant
MI.Net Member
Mar 10, 2004
This one sent to me by my bro -

(That's a Hazardous Duty Life Jacket for all us non sea-going types)

It's now almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But, before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, Safety Officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th Century Admirals uniform.

How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern H&S regulations

Picture the scene on the deck of the recently renamed Royal Navy Flagship, HMS Appeasement.

Order the signal Hardy

Aye Aye sir

Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?

Sorry sir

England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?

Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We are an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devils own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and 'baccy.

Sorry sir, all Naval vessels have been designated smoke free working environments.

In that case, break open the rum ration. Let's splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.

The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Governments policy on binge drinking.

Good Heavens Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it. Tell the bosun to Unfurl all sails, Full speed ahead.

I think you'll find there is a 4mph speed limit on this stretch of water sir.

Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.

That will not be possible sir.


Health & Safety have closed the crows nest, sir. No safety harness, and they say that rope ladders do not meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.

Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay Hardy.

He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the Fo'c'sle Admiral.

Wheelchair access, I've never heard anything so absurd.

H&S again Admiral sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.

Differently abled?? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.

Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

A couple of problems there too sir. Health & Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets, and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?

I've never heard such drivel. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone Admiral.

What? This is mutiny.

It's not that, sir. It's just that they are afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish??

Actually sir, we're not.

We're not?

No sir, The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil!

I wouldn't let the ships diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary charge.

You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.

Not anymore sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now, put your Kevlar vest on, it's the rules.

Don't tell me - H&S. Whatever happened to Rum, Bum and Baccy and the Lash.

As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there is a ban on Corporal punishment.

What about sodomy?

I believe it's to be encouraged sir.

In that case - Kiss me Hardy.

Similar threads