Funny JOTD (Joke of the day)

[Gaz]

First executive - We really need to stop testing our products on animals.
Second executive - Why? Shampoo companies still do it.
First executive - Yeah, but we make dildos.

 

[BCNTM]

Americans are saying the Presidential election result's on a knife edge and it could take a week to announce the winner.

I think they're just Biden their time.

 

[tomthounaojam]

Military etiquette
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

 

[Jake84]

A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points!! Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

[BCNTM]

Who would have thought that two guys in their 70's could maintain an election for so long?

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My liberal colleague told me a good Republican is a dead one.
It makes sense now as they tend to vote Democrat after they die.

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It's become clear that the US election was a poll about whether you love or hate Donald Trump.
If you love him, you had to get off your ass and vote.
If you don't, no problem, someone did it for you.

 

[tomthounaojam]

Blonde at the Super Bowl,
Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best - because it makes football make sense!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it, " She replied, " especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumfounded, her boyfriend asked, "what do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...' Get the quarterback! 'Get the quarterback!' I'm like .... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

 

[Jake84]

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

 

[tomthounaojam]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

[BCNTM]

Tory minister Matt Hancock gets emotional after seeing 2 people in their 90s get the covid vaccine.

Because it means they'll be fit to go back to work.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man United showing Boris how easy it is to leave Europe

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I got home tonight and looked round our front room, crowded with a Christmas tree, decorations and cards, and wondered where to put my "Jeffrey Epstein" advent calendar.

Then I remembered that if you leave it overnight, it hangs itself.

 

[BCNTM]

Only 47% of Americans have said they will take a Covid vaccine when it becomes available.

Although the Biden Administration are sure they will get the figure to near 110% when given with a free Big Mac meal.

 

[BCNTM]

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P LY
Q W O R D S E A R C H Z
H A S J P O D I E D G W I

 

[Jake84]

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P LY
Q W O R D S E A R C H Z
H A S J P O D I E D G W I

You’ve had the Sputnik V vaccine jab today?

 

[morris]

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[BCNTM]

You’ve had the Sputnik V vaccine jab today?

it's Putin's password to the 'chock lab

 

[BravoZulu]

 

[digrar]

Mortars are more likely to be pleasuring each other... Just saying.

 

[BCNTM]

Remember the old days when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Man, we were wild...

 

[morris]

Well, Biden being compared to satanist forces is quite huge, not to mention the hakuna matata lady...No need to repost it, it must be humiliating for republican voters to be associated with people who believe that.

But I would point this out. The Russian collusion BS, and the impeachement(s) attempts on Donald Trump are much more violent than some broad holding a gruesome image of Trumps decapitated head. Because it undermined the democratic system, where the voters chose a leader who is then threatened by political/judiciary revenge. I find Trump abhorrent, but never would you find me backing what the Dems did.

The Dems however conceded they had less votes, and that the votes were counted, and that Hillary lost. And that the citizens of the USA got the leader of their choice. In a debilitating show of tears and screams...unmatched until this election with the Trump loyalists.

The Republicans have been violent by not accepting that. By fueling the wildest theories that the election was stolen in the polls. That is extremely destructive as people can be led to think that their vote was not counted, or drowned in fake ones. And basically unproven, and even dismissed by Trump appointed election officials, the AG, just about everybody...There was nothing, get over it...

So in my opinion, the level of violence, dishonesty, and selfnishness to the point of destroying the USA by the Trump loyalists (I don' t wantto call them Republicans for fairness) will be hard to match in the future,...or I hope.

I compared Trump to Mugabe or Chavez, and I still think they have lots in common when it comes to personal values.

Hahaha

 

[BCNTM]

Anyone know where you can buy a 1lb turkey ?

 

[BCNTM]

Only 371 more days till Christmas folks…