Funny JOTD (Joke of the day)

[Jake84]

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

 

[Euroamerican]

Forgive, if you've read this one recently somewhere else, but I could not resist:


Did you hear about the stutterer who died the other day in prison?

Yeah... He could not finish his sentence..

 

[BravoZulu]

Forgive, if you've read this one recently somewhere else, but I could not resist:


Did you hear about the stutterer who died the other day in prison?

Yeah... He could not finish his sentence..

**Groan** ?

 

[Jake84]

Interviewer: How do you explain this four-year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: I'm so impressed! You're hired!

Me: Thanks, I really need this yob!

 

[Jake84]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

 

[tomthounaojam]

A screenplay titled: A few good pilots.
(Forwarded as received)
Captain: “You want answers?”
Management: “I think we are entitled”
Captain: “You want answers?!”
Management: “I want the truth!”
Captain: “You can’t handle the truth!!!”
Captain (continuing): “We live in a world that requires revenue. That revenue must be flown by people with elite skills. Who’s going to do it? You, Mr. CEO? You Mr.. Finance? You, Ms. Human Resources? We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You scoff at the Line Pilots and you curse our mediocre incentives. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know. And my very existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, drives REVENUE!
You don’t want to know the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at staff meetings, you want me in that airplane. You NEED me in that airplane!!
We use words like working radar, good weather, on time departures, airworthiness, upgrades, commuting, dead heading, stabilized descents, EPR ratios, MELs and ETOPs. We use these words as the backbone of all Professional Aviation. You use them as a punch line! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to people who rise and sleep under the very blanket of service I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a flight bag. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!”
Management: “Did you expense the lap dancers?”
Captain: “I did the job I was hired to do.”
Management: “Did you expense the lap dancers?”
Captain: “I did the job I was hired to do.”
Management: “Did you expense the lap dancers?!”
Captain: “You’re goddamn right I did !!!!

 

[BCNTM]

Modern university exam question: If we divide 125 genders by 3 bathrooms how much climate change do we have?

 

[Jake84]

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

 

[BravoZulu]

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

OMG that is so lame ? ?

 

[BCNTM]

UK perspective........

Down South they're stockpiling toilet rolls and hoarding pasta.

Up North we're licking door handles to try and get two weeks off work.

? ?

 

[BCNTM]

Latest from the WHO:

Coronavirus Pandemic.

Talk about jump on the bandwagon when you haven't had a hit song in years.

__________________________________________________________________________________________-

Cerveceria modelo the company that makes corona beer has contacted the World Health Organisation and asked if they could rename the corona virus the Budweiser virus.

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Money wise, I am set for life.

Just as long as I contract coronavirus and die next Tuesday.

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Coronavirus currently has the same mortality rate in the UK as Michael Barrymore's swimming pool

 

[BCNTM]

Liverpool and Atletico Madrid player have all been tested following the end of the Champions League match tonight

The results are in and it does show that all the Liverpool players have contracted a lack of talent

 

[digrar]

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

Dad joke, self hi five...

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[BCNTM]

The first coronavirus death in Scotland has been reported.

It was someone elderly, a 27 year old

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The Germans have started to put their towels on hospital beds.

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If I should die in the corner of some foreign field, think only this of me:

Ryanair don't give refunds.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

A documentary is to made about Tom Hanks self-isolating whilst wearing a protective rubber suit.

Forrest Gimp is released on Monday.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

A man in Glasgow has died of the coronavirus.

Doctors said he had a pre-existing medical condition.

Apparently he was Scottish.

 

[morris]

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[BCNTM]

a grey alien lands on earth and gets out of his space ship and boldly declares
"we come in peace"

Chinese look and him and think

I wonder what he tastes like.........................

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If you're worried about coronavirus,

Rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure.

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Coronavirus has had a devastating on Philip Schofield

Taking all the attention away from him

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm thinking of booking myself into a hotel for a few days.

Just to get the free soap and bog roll!

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Of course Trump has banned all travel from Europe. He thinks germs come from Germany.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

" Germany closes border with Poland "

Poland's just relieved it's not 'crosses'.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

[BCNTM]

unfortunatly I get far too many of these sent to me every day
____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Kudos to that suicide bomber working from home.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

On the plus side the Agoraphobics society has a *hit load of new members

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

2019: "work hard at school or you'll end up packing shelves for a living"

2020: "most secure job in the country, packing shelves"
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

First confirmed corona death in Russia. ?

After three days of quarantine, a father of a family strangled his mother-in-law.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

Corona Virus origin traced -

IT WAS CREATED BY WOMEN

Think about it, lads...

1 - Sport postponed for months
2 - Advised against going to the pub
3 - Don't leave the house for a fortnight (so you can finally get those odd jobs done)
4 - Symptoms are flu-like (THEY KNOW THAT'S OUR KRYPTONITE)
5 - They even had the audacity to name it after a beer!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

CNN " Members of Putin's administration being tested for Coronavirus "

Members of the opposition being tested for Novichok.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

The government have announced that all schools in Scotland and Wales will be closing from Friday.

I'm genuinely shocked. I didn't even know there were any schools in Scotland and Wales.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

[Jake84]

A Texan walks into an Irish pub and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

 

[colin traveller]

Rumour is that FedEx and UPS are to merge and rebrand themselves as



FEDUP

 

[colin traveller]

AOC AKA A-lways O-ffcourse C-lueless