Funny JOTD (Joke of the day)

[BCNTM]

Nice to see Lady Gaga singing at the inauguration of her father, President Gaga.

 

[BCNTM]

The blowpipe.

Prefect for inoculating anti-vaxers.

 

[BCNTM]

And with that wayward drive, Tiger Woods is in the trees with a steep downhill lie.

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The PGA have reassessed Tigers handicap

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I knew the Duke of Edinburgh had given up his driving licence.

I just didn't know he'd given it to Tiger Woods

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I hear Tiger Woods is under par.

 

[Jake84]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

 

[Jake84]

A man picks up a hitchhiker on the side of the road.

The hitchhiker says, " I'm surprised you picked me up. I could've been a serial killer."

The driver responded, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical."

 

[BravoZulu]

Man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog is cross-eyed.”
“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
He picks the dog up, checks his eyes & teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What, because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy”

 

[TheKiwi]

Two Englishmen are on a hiking holiday through Switzerland. As they're walking along a narrow, remote valley road they come to a T-junction, where they find a man standing beside a BMW looking at a map. He smiles and calls out to them, "Excusez-moi, messieurs. Connaissez-vous la route de Zurich?" They look blank, and shrug their shoulders. The man shrugs too, and says "Entschuldigen Sie, meine Herren. Kennen Sie den Weg nach Zürich?" The Englishmen don't understand a word. The man in the car looks a little frustrated, but tries again. "Mi scusi, signori. Conosci la strada per Zurigo?" Blank looks. Finally, with visible annoyance, the man tries the one other language he knows. "Anteeksi, herrat. Tiedätkö tien Zürichiin?" Absolutely no response from the Englishmen. The driver scowls at them, jumps in the BMW and drives off just picking a direction at random.

One Englishman turns to the other and says, "You know, one day I really think I ought to learn a foreign language." His mate replies, "Why? That guy knew four and it didn't do him any good!"

 

[BCNTM]

Two Englishmen are on a hiking holiday through Switzerland. As they're walking along a narrow, remote valley road they come to a T-junction, where they find a man standing beside a BMW looking at a map. He smiles and calls out to them, "Excusez-moi, messieurs. Connaissez-vous la route de Zurich?" They look blank, and shrug their shoulders. The man shrugs too, and says "Entschuldigen Sie, meine Herren. Kennen Sie den Weg nach Zürich?" The Englishmen don't understand a word. The man in the car looks a little frustrated, but tries again. "Mi scusi, signori. Conosci la strada per Zurigo?" Blank looks. Finally, with visible annoyance, the man tries the one other language he knows. "Anteeksi, herrat. Tiedätkö tien Zürichiin?" Absolutely no response from the Englishmen. The driver scowls at them, jumps in the BMW and drives off just picking a direction at random.

One Englishman turns to the other and says, "You know, one day I really think I ought to learn a foreign language." His mate replies, "Why? That guy knew four and it didn't do him any good!"

I thought it was going to be that guy knew 4 and still drove a BMW.......

 

[colin traveller]

When Bill Clinton said I did not have sexual relations with that woman. We all know he was talking about Hillary Clinton.

 

[BravoZulu]

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit
a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about
how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the
people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.

Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions. Why did
the Russians take Crimea? And why did we send troops to Ukraine?"

Putin replies, "Good questions".

But. just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some
more questions.

Another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions.
My questions are. Why did the Russians invade Crimea. Why did we
send troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And
where is Alina?”

 

[tomthounaojam]

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

 

[BCNTM]

BREAKING NEWS:
French warships arrive in Jersey for a showdown with Royal Navy.
Suddenly selling dozens of white flags on my eBay.fr account.
Anyone know why?

 

[Gaz]

Interesting fact -

Gary Oldman is younger than Gary Numan.

 

[Jake84]

BREAKING NEWS:
French warships arrive in Jersey for a showdown with Royal Navy.
Suddenly selling dozens of white flags on my eBay.fr account.
Anyone know why?

Ouch, that hurts.

Still upset about a few fishes BlackyCatty?

In the meantime, enjoy your new neighbors:

 

[BCNTM]

Ouch, that hurts.

Still upset about a few fishes BlackyCatty?

In the meantime, enjoy your new neighbors:

View attachment 311886

Look like French fishermen without a job...............

 

[Jake84]

Blimey man, with the Euro championship coming up, plenty of memes to come too, can’t wait.

I don’t care all that much about it as long as we kick them Jermans out ASAP.

 

[BCNTM]

'Butcher' Ebrahim Raisi who ordered thousands killed in mass executions and tortured pregnant women wins Iranian presidential election.

Finally, a moderate.

 

[BCNTM]

Blimey man, with the Euro championship coming up, plenty of memes to come too, can’t wait.

I don’t care all that much about it as long as we kick them Jermans out ASAP.

Had all these ready for when we should have beat Scotland

 

[morris]

Sign the Petition

Do not allow Jeff Bezos to return to Earth

www.change.org

Ric G started this petition to The proletariat
Billionaire's should not exist...on earth, or in space, but should they decide the latter they should stay there.

 

[BCNTM]

Looks like that McAfee free trial has expired.
________________________________________________________________________

"Hello Tech Support, how may I help you?"

"Hi, yeah, McAfee is just hanging."
_________________________________________________________________________

Not for the first time McAfee is not responding.

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