Funny JOTD (Joke of the day)

[BCNTM]

"U.S. Navy issues warning to Iranians not to come within 100 meters of its warships or be fired upon"

Blimey, the yanks don't half take social distancing seriously

 

[tomthounaojam]

I wonder how Atheist moan during sex,
they be like " Oh Evolution"

Atheists are the only ones allowed to yell oh god during sex because religious people shouldn't use the lord's name in vain

 

[Jake84]

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.

 

[BCNTM]

German suspect in Madeleine McCann case.

Bit PC. We used to be able to call them Gerry.

___________________________________________________

 

[BCNTM]

Chinese years

2009. Ox

2010. Tiger.

2011. Rabbit.

2012. Dragon.

2013. Snake.

2014. Horse.

2015. Goat.

2016. Monkey.

2017. Rooster.

2018. Dog.

2019. Pig.

2020. Rat.

All served with rice or chips, bat and pangolin scale sauce £1.00 extra.

 

[BCNTM]

Anti racism protests in Coventry have led to buildings being burned to the ground, widespread graffiti and numerous shop windows being smashed.

“We cannot condone this kind of behaviour”, said the council is a statement, “however, we do appreciate the improved look of the town centre”.

 

[tomthounaojam]

Zen Thought
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

 

[BCNTM]

Just had a painter and decorator round to do some work on the house..

Couldn’t believe that he’s currently furloughed British Airways Pilot..

Made a lovely job of the landing...

 

[BCNTM]

Ryanair seating surcharges to make up for lost revenue during the coronavirus pandemic.
Not being seated near old people. £15.
Not being seated near families with kids. £30
Not being seated near religious nuts. £50.
Not being seated near a politician. £75.
Not being seated near your wife. £150.

Other prices on request.

 

[BCNTM]

The FBI have apologised for the delay in arresting Ghislaine Maxwell.

Apparently, no one knew how to pronounce her name

----------------------------------------------------------------

My local Chinese takeaway has updated their menu.

Anything 'Hong Kong Style' now comes battered.

 

[BCNTM]

How big was that *ucking vest?

 

[Jake84]

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am last night. Can you believe this? 2am!

Luckily for him, I was still up, playing my bagpipes.

 

[Jake84]

Yesterday i got asked out by 4 women!!!!!

I was in the women's bathroom

 

[Telmar]

two guys discuss on a train

-I used to have a real bad drinking problem. It made my life impossible.

-But it´s better now?

-Sure, now I can drink a whole bottle of vodka down and feel just fine.

 

[BCNTM]

Just to let you know I had the Russian Covid19 vaccination yesterday and I can honestly tell you there are absolutely no negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki Кто может это прочитать Обожаю Владимира Путина!

(and for the Russians on here - no I don't.....)

 

[BCNTM]

What price words:
This says it all.......

Pythagoras' Theorem: ............................24 words.
Lord's Prayer: .............................................. 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: .................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: .........................................179 words.
Gettysburg Address: ....................................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence : ..............................1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: .............................7,818 words.
EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: ...............................26,911 words

 

[BCNTM]

Barbados have announced they are going to remove the Queen as head of state. What could go wrong? It worked well for Afghanistan, Belize, Botswana, Egypt, The Gambia, Ghana, India, Jamaica, Kenya, Kuwait, Lesotho, Libya, Malawi, Myanmar, Pakistan, Sudan, Tonga and Uganda.

 

[BCNTM]

Where most countries are now trying to get Herd immunity for Covid 19 - Wales and Australia are still pressing on for Flock immunity

 

[BCNTM]

George Kerr a Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' George asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist.

George painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

George marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

 

[BCNTM]

From 1952 to 1963 the British Government tested nuclear weapons in Australia.

That's always puzzled me.

Why go all that way when you've got Birkenhead on your doorstep?