- Joined
- Apr 12, 2005
- Messages
- 302
- Points
- 28
It's stuff like this that could get me banned from this column !!!
Mike
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates ,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to
Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you
100,000 dinars for it". "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King
protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When
you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a
fire, ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just
have to be a little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day,
his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches,
they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that
people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of
course, is the origin of the expression, ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and
urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The
thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ... the squaw
of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two
hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
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Mike
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates ,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to
Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you
100,000 dinars for it". "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King
protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When
you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a
fire, ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just
have to be a little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day,
his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he
gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches,
they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that
people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of
course, is the origin of the expression, ... "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and
urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The
thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ... the squaw
of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two
hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
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